The Foreskin Covenant

Genesis 17: Why we cut our penises

Circumcision

When Abram was 99 years old, God showed up again and made yet another covenant with him. “You will be the father of many nations. Your descendants will be great people – kings even! All I ask from you (and your descendants) is that you slice off the tip of your penis. Oh, by the way, your name is now Abraham with an H, and Sarai’s is Sarah with an H.”

“Furthermore,” God continued, “this covenant doesn’t extend to uncircumcised people. So make sure you get everyone – young, old, even servants you’ve bought. Also, you’re going to have another son (Sarah isn’t infertile after all), whom you’ll name Isaac.”

Fun fact: Circumcision is the process of forcibly restraining a person (usually an unconsenting baby) and proceeding to hack off the end of his penis. In ancient times, circumcision was performed using a sharp rock.

Recently, the American Academy of Pediatrics has come to the conclusion that “there is considerable evidence that newborns who are circumcised without analgesia experience pain.”

So with that, Abraham went back to his people to tell them about this covenant. They must have thought it was a great idea, as they all agreed to cut off the end their penises!

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