Postpartum Care

Leviticus 12: Post-birth tips for moms!

The Lord, whose wisdom surpassed any medical advice at the time (and arguably – being the infallible word of God – remains superior to any modern medicine developed since), gives the following handy hints for women who have just given birth:

  • It’s a Boy! Congratulations – you are only ceremonially unclean for seven days! On the eighth day your beloved baby boy gets to undergo some ritual genital mutilation. For the next 33 days, purify yourself by keeping away from anything sacred, and don’t even think about going to temple.
  • It’s a Girl! Tough luck – you are ceremonially unclean for fourteen days, but serves you right for birthing one of those that caused of our fall from grace. For the next 66 days, purify yourself and think about what you’ve done.

When your days of purification are done, haul a year-old lamb and a pigeon down to your local priest so he can make a burnt offering and a sin offering to atone for your filth. Can’t afford a lamb? Just bring two pigeons.

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