Kids these days

Leviticus 10: Problems with authority

One day Aaron’s sons, Nadab and Abihu, being precocious young teens with an aptitude for challenging authority, lit some incense without prior authorization from the Lord. Naturally, the Lord swooped down upon them in a pillar of fire, stripping skin from bone in a nuclear rage. What little remained of them was …Continue reading Kids these days

The Israelites meet their Lord

Leviticus 9: Like a bee to honey

On the eighth day of his ordainment, Aaron called together the Israelites and had them all round up perfectly good calves, goats and lambs for needless slaughter. That day, carcasses piled up outside the tent as hundreds of animals were skinned, bled dry, hacked into pieces, and tossed on the …Continue reading The Israelites meet their Lord

The Holy™ Product Line

Exodus 30: This chapter is brought to you by Holy™

Pleased with Moses’ undying enthusiasm to hear more and more rules, the Lord spouted off more commands about altar sizes, golden rings and incense burnings. Then he moved on to more pressing issues:

“Take a census of the Children of Israel,” the Lord said, “and everyone over the …Continue reading The Holy™ Product Line

Holy Interior Design

Exodus 25-28: Moses gets micromanaged

The Lord gave Moses a long grocery list of items he was to collect from the Israelites as offerings, including precious metals, fine linens, spices and incense. “Make a sanctuary exactly in the way I’m about to explain to you,” the Lord told Moses.

“First,” God began, “an Ark. I want it made …Continue reading Holy Interior Design

Passover

Exodus 12: Dinner, infanticide, and a little bit of exodus

“Now hear this!” boomed the Lord to Moses and Aaron, who would later relay the information to the rest of the Hebrews. “On the tenth day of this month, everyone is to grab a lamb. Now there’s some important rules I want to clarify: First: if your …Continue reading Passover

Try, try again

Exodus 11: Infanticide is not the answer

“I’ve got it!” the Lord said to Moses, “I know how we’re going to get Pharaoh to let the Hebrews go out of Egypt to worship me! Here’s what we have to do:

“First, all the Hebrews need to borrow as much gold, silver, and jewels as they can get their …Continue reading Try, try again

The Naive Magicians III

Exodus 10: Pharaoh’s had enough

Moses and Aaron, getting slightly tired of the whole magic show charade, went to the Pharaoh and asked, “How much longer are you going to keep this up? Just let the Hebrews go already, or this time it’ll be locusts.”
“Fine, fine,” sighed the Pharaoh, “Who do you need to take with you?”
“Men, …Continue reading The Naive Magicians III

The Naive Magicians II

Exodus 9: One step forward, two steps back

For the umpteenth time, the Lord appeared to Moses and said “Go tell the Pharaoh that I say to let the Hebrews go, or there’s going to be trouble.” At this point, the Pharaoh must have surely been wondering why God didn’t just relay the message himself, rather than …Continue reading The Naive Magicians II

The Naive Magicians I

Exodus 8: Abracadabra

The Pharaoh, still unwilling to let the Hebrews leave Egypt, had not been moved by Moses and Aaron’s magic trick turning the Nile into a stinky, blood-filled stream, so when the two brothers went again to ask him to let the Hebrews go, they were met with a flat ‘no’.

Once again, Aaron raised his …Continue reading The Naive Magicians I

The snake contest

Exodus 7: Size does matter

Moses must have been an incredibly absent-minded man, as the Lord had to tell him, once again, that Aaron would be Moses’ spokesperson, that they should go to Egypt to free the Hebrews, that the Pharaoh wouldn’t let them, and that God would smite the Egyptians.

So Moses and Aaron went to the …Continue reading The snake contest