Death of a Prince

Genesis 50: It’s coming – sooner or later

When Israel had breathed his last, Joseph fell upon him and wept. Then collecting himself, he ordered his father to be embalmed, which took forty days to complete. Accompanied by his family and the Pharaoh’s servants, Joseph took his father’s body for burial to the cave in Canaan where …Continue reading Death of a Prince

Rebekah

Genesis 23-24: Isaac gets a wife

At the age of 127, Sarah passed away, and Abraham, now an old man himself called his eldest servant over. “Put your hand under my thigh,” said Abraham, “and listen up. Go grab a woman to be Isaac’s wife. But don’t get a Canaanite one; grab one of my relatives from …Continue reading Rebekah

A Test of Faith

Genesis 22: “Just testing!”

God one day appeared to Abraham and boomed “I REQUIRE BLOOD,” and told him to drag his beloved son Isaac up a mountain and make a burnt offering of him. So the next morning – of course – Abraham got right to it: he “saddled his ass”, then put a saddle on his …Continue reading A Test of Faith

Hagar and Ishmael

Genesis 21: Hagar gets kicked out

Recall that God promised Sarah a son. Sure enough, Isaac was born, and following the Foreskin Covenant, Abraham sliced off the tip of Isaac’s penis when he was eight days old.

Now, with a son of her own, Sarah no longer saw the need to keep Hagar the maid and her …Continue reading Hagar and Ishmael

The King of Gerar

Genesis 20: Abraham pimps his wife again

Abraham was continuing his journey southward to form a great nation, but had stopped in Gerar break. Once again, as in Egypt, he passed off Sarah as his sister, and once again, gave her up to the king. That evening God appeared to the king in a dream. “Hey!” said …Continue reading The King of Gerar

Sodom and Gomorrah ” Part 1

Genesis 18-19: A brief debate on the ethics of genocide

God appeared to Abraham again – this time bringing three of his buddies, whom he neglected to introduce. “Oh dear Lord, can I get you some water, maybe a bite to eat?” Abraham grovelled.
“Yeah, that sounds good,” replied the men, apparently misunderstanding the question as being directed …Continue reading Sodom and Gomorrah ” Part 1

The Foreskin Covenant

Genesis 17: Why we cut our penises

When Abram was 99 years old, God showed up again and made yet another covenant with him. “You will be the father of many nations. Your descendants will be great people – kings even! All I ask from you (and your descendants) is that you slice off the tip of …Continue reading The Foreskin Covenant

The Birth of Ishmael

Genesis 15-16: Do the maid instead

One day, the Lord appeared to Abram in a vision, where Abram expressed his dismay about not having an heir. But Abram (who was apparently unfamiliar with the process of childbirth) was reassured when Gold told him that an heir would come out of his bowels. The Lord also told Abram …Continue reading The Birth of Ishmael

Abram and Sarai

Genesis 12-14: Pimp my wife

One day, the Lord came to Abram, one of Noah’s many descendants, and told him to take his family on a journey to another place, where Abram would blessedly form a great nation. Unfortunately, there was a famine, and Abram decided to wait it out in Egypt.

On arrival in Egypt, Abram said …Continue reading Abram and Sarai