The Ten Commandments

Exodus 20: Finally, some moral guidance!

Fire, lightning, and thunder were continuing to boom all around Mount Sinai, and up on the summit, Moses and Aaron were receiving some moral guidance from the Lord. “I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of Egypt, and here are the rules you must follow,” said the …Continue reading The Ten Commandments

Sibling Rivalry

Genesis 30: A shady drug deal

Rachel noticed that Leah had had four sons and she had none, so she threw a jealous tantrum. She stamped her feet and screamed at her husband in the manner of an angst-ridden teenager, “Give me children, or else I die!”
“Don’t blame me – blame God!” replied Jacob, unwittingly giving rise …Continue reading Sibling Rivalry

Hagar and Ishmael

Genesis 21: Hagar gets kicked out

Recall that God promised Sarah a son. Sure enough, Isaac was born, and following the Foreskin Covenant, Abraham sliced off the tip of Isaac’s penis when he was eight days old.

Now, with a son of her own, Sarah no longer saw the need to keep Hagar the maid and her …Continue reading Hagar and Ishmael

The King of Gerar

Genesis 20: Abraham pimps his wife again

Abraham was continuing his journey southward to form a great nation, but had stopped in Gerar break. Once again, as in Egypt, he passed off Sarah as his sister, and once again, gave her up to the king. That evening God appeared to the king in a dream. “Hey!” said …Continue reading The King of Gerar

Sodom and Gomorrah – Incestuous Epilogue

Genesis 19 Epilogue: “I swear I was sleeping!”

As it turns out, Lot had opted to flee to the mountains instead of Zoar, presumably not entirely confident that the Lord would remember not to destroy the town. He lived in a cave with his two daughters, who were apparently quite unfazed by his earlier attempt to offer …Continue reading Sodom and Gomorrah – Incestuous Epilogue

The Birth of Ishmael

Genesis 15-16: Do the maid instead

One day, the Lord appeared to Abram in a vision, where Abram expressed his dismay about not having an heir. But Abram (who was apparently unfamiliar with the process of childbirth) was reassured when Gold told him that an heir would come out of his bowels. The Lord also told Abram …Continue reading The Birth of Ishmael

Abram and Sarai

Genesis 12-14: Pimp my wife

One day, the Lord came to Abram, one of Noah’s many descendants, and told him to take his family on a journey to another place, where Abram would blessedly form a great nation. Unfortunately, there was a famine, and Abram decided to wait it out in Egypt.

On arrival in Egypt, Abram said …Continue reading Abram and Sarai