Dermatology 101

Leviticus 13-14: Tips for Smoother Skin

Continuing in his dispensation of infallible medical advice, the Lord provided the following guidelines for dealing with leprosy and various other skin diseases. For convenience, these have been laid out in a Mayo Clinic-esque fashion. Of course, only a licensed professional can give proper medical advice, so be sure to consult …Continue reading Dermatology 101

Postpartum Care

Leviticus 12: Post-birth tips for moms!

The Lord, whose wisdom surpassed any medical advice at the time (and arguably – being the infallible word of God – remains superior to any modern medicine developed since), gives the following handy hints for women who have just given birth:

It’s a Boy! Congratulations – you are only ceremonially unclean for …Continue reading Postpartum Care

Kids these days

Leviticus 10: Problems with authority

One day Aaron’s sons, Nadab and Abihu, being precocious young teens with an aptitude for challenging authority, lit some incense without prior authorization from the Lord. Naturally, the Lord swooped down upon them in a pillar of fire, stripping skin from bone in a nuclear rage. What little remained of them was …Continue reading Kids these days

The Israelites meet their Lord

Leviticus 9: Like a bee to honey

On the eighth day of his ordainment, Aaron called together the Israelites and had them all round up perfectly good calves, goats and lambs for needless slaughter. That day, carcasses piled up outside the tent as hundreds of animals were skinned, bled dry, hacked into pieces, and tossed on the …Continue reading The Israelites meet their Lord

Forgetful Moses

Leviticus 6-8: “In case you forgot”…”

While it was only five chapters ago that the Lord had told Moses exactly what to do with regards to burnt offerings, grain offerings, sin offerings, and all sorts of other offerings, the Lord once again restated in great detail exactly everything he had said earlier. Presumably Moses was a forgetful …Continue reading Forgetful Moses

Atonement

Leviticus 3-5: Paying for your sins

While Moses now had a collection of tasty sacrificial recipes, the Lord added a footnote that the Israelites must not eat any fat nor blood. He then outlined several possible scenarios in which a person may unintentionally sin, and the various types of animals to be sacrificed, the methods to be …Continue reading Atonement

Sacrificial Recipes II

Leviticus 2: Bread like Bubbe used to make

In a continuing effort to display His culinary know-how, the Lord relayed even more sacrificial guidelines and pleasing recipes to Moses.

Aromatic Dough

Ingredients: Finest flour available. Olive oil. Incense.

Combine handful of flour and equal parts olive oil and incense. Burn on altar.
Give remainder of flour to priests.

Artisanal Bread

Ingredients: Finest flour …Continue reading Sacrificial Recipes II

Sacrificial Recipes I

Leviticus 1: Three meat recipes fit for a Lord

When we last left the Israelites, they were following the Lord and his Holy Cloudmobile through the desert. One fine day, the Lord parked his cloud over the Tent of Meeting, as He was prone to do, and gave Moses some guidelines for sacrifice, but more importantly, three …Continue reading Sacrificial Recipes I

The building of the Tabernacle

Exodus 35-40: Putting it all together

Moses called all the Hebrews together for a general meeting and reminded them of the Fifth Commandment: “For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a day of Sabbath rest to the Lord,” he told them, “Anyone – mark my words: anyone …Continue reading The building of the Tabernacle

The Real Ten Commandments

Exodus 34: Rules to live by”… again

“Hey!” the Lord said to Moses one day, “remember those stone tablets? You know – the ones you threw down in a tantrum and broke? Yeah – go make some replacements, and meet me up on Mount Sinai with them tomorrow morning.”

Up on the mountain the Lord descended in His …Continue reading The Real Ten Commandments